Shirt collar buttons; that ill-fitted feeling and other ramblings

I had to wear a tie today.

I wore a tie as I was supposed to co-chair the second service in church today with Hee Kiat. So it was one of those rare few occasions I wore a tie and tried to look presentable. Most time I’m content to look grungy, thinking that it’s the heart that matters, not looks. I wore a tie, long sleeve shirt and pants and received some compliments. Little did they know I had spent five to ten minutes struggling in the morning trying to button the top-most shirt collar button.

I suppose the collar was too small or rather my neck too thick for it to button properly. I had that ill-fitted feeling; the feeling that I’m one size too big for my clothes. Do you often have that feeling? The feeling of not fitting-in; of being left out; of being the at odds with the world? It leaves you with a sense of disappointment; of loneliness and self-pity. And just to fit in, you feel tempted to do anything to conform – to join your friends in drinking and smoking; to indulge in lewd conversations and to while away the time doing meaningless things. Even if we do not do things that are consciously wrong; we may still fall prey to conforming to the mundane and mediocre in order to fit in. Thinking that if we stifled the distinctiveness within, people will accept us. In the process, you lose your uniqueness. Sometimes even in a cultural christian environment you are also pressured to conform – to behave and conform to culturally accepted norms.

It is during my time of struggles that I remember the following:

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous. (Psalms 139:16 NLT)

God says I’m unique.

“As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5b NLT)

God says He will never leave me nor forsake me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT)

God says He has a unique plan for me and my future.

And we are not supposed to “fit in” in this world anyway. We are meant for something more.

Maybe I should just buy a shirt one size bigger. Then I need not ramble on about being ill-fitted.

Ollie

January 2007

Prayer Meeting?

“Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
That calls me from a world of care,
And bids me at my Father’s throne…”

I do not profess to be a mighty pray-er; I often struggle in prayer; but I do know that prayer is also intensely personal. It is when individually we come before the Father’s throne just as we are, to spend time and make space for conversation.

It is ironic that we sang “Sweet hour of prayer” at the start of the service, when the other events in the prayer meeting took 1 hour 45 minutes and the prayer 15 – 20 minutes per group. 20 minutes divided by 4 people, that is 5 minutes each in prayer. No wonder, many people in church say they do not really know how to pray. We learn prayer by praying, by spending time with the heart inclined to God and by listening. We learn to pray by exploring the myriad diversity of prayer forms and styles our Christian heritage has left us – learning from the Desert Fathers, the contemplative monks and the pious reformers and the puritans. By doing so, our prayer life grows richer, the roots of Faith grow deeper, and we become people of substance. This does not occur with 1 hr 45 minutes of teaching, sharing and congregational singing and 20 minutes in prayer.

I am for good teaching on prayer; for sharing to testify of God’s goodness and for encouragement; and for singing to praise God. They are good but on their own, they are incomplete for a prayer meeting. 25 minutes of singing hymns; 25 minutes of a person teaching on prayer; and 20 minutes of sharing of the goodness of God. These are good and edifying but impersonal. We engage with these events from a distance. There is a need to pray personal, participatory and experiential prayers; to draw close to the Father’s throne. This comes only when we make time and space to do so – 20 minutes per group or 5 minutes person is insufficient. I often need 10 – 15 minutes just to settle down from a busy day before I am disposed to praying. Having a same ritual or form of prayer allows people to be comfortable; but do we want people to be comfortable in prayer? Let us explore the riches of the prayer life of the saints who have gone before us; exploring the “Jesus” prayer; contemplative prayer, congregation praying aloud together aka “Korean or Indonesia Style” and prayer liturgy etc. Let’s be uncomfortable and be stretched for growth in our prayer life.

Are we as a church serious in prayer? I think the evidence at prayer meetings speaks for itself. Let us take prayer seriously – 7 days a week.

Ollie

January 2007

35 for a moment

The lyrics of the song “100 years” by Five for Fighting keeps ringing in my ears. I realized I’m 35 this year; I’m 35 for a moment. Time flies and the days go by.

“I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you're on your way
Every day's a new day...

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live”

(100 Years – Five for Fighting)

Time flies and the days go by. I sometimes feel that life is slipping me by.

Then I remember “time” for the Jews in Jesus time had two meanings. “Chronos” time and “Kairos” time. “Chronos” time is chronological time while “Kairos” means significant moments. Moses wandering in the desert for 40 years is “chronos” time; a span of forty years that pass and can never be re-lived. Moses receiving the 10 commandments on Mount Sinai and encountering the “Skekinah” glory of God’s presence, that’s “Kairos” time.

I’m 35 this year; I’m 35 for a moment. Though times flies and the days go by and life is slipping me by, I still pray that my 35^th year will be one filled with many “Kairos” moments.

Ollie

January 2007

Aragorn before the Black Gate

Orcs pour out of the Black Gate. Aragorn addresses an unsettled army of men.

Aragorn: “Hold your ground! Hold your ground.”

Aragorn: "Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me."

Aragorn: "A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends, and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day."

Aragorn: "An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight!"

Aragorn: "By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!"

Aragorn (serenely): "For Frodo."

[Waving his sword, Aragorn runs towards the orcs, yelling.]

Courage is not an absence of fear. It is the embracing of that fear and overcoming it with a higher calling, a higher cause - for loved ones, for friends and fellowship, for those who come after us, for the Gospel, for Jesus.

I am convinced that besides the hope that comes only through Jesus; the other greatest need of the world is courageous leadership. We need men who will walk before us, take the charge to point us in the right direction, bleed for a higher cause, to inspire us to move beyond ourselves and aspire to fulfill the calling God has called us to.

Boldness is contagious. It just takes one person.

May each of us courageously lead the life God has called us to.

Ollie

January 2007

Ramblings and Reflections on the Challenge of Leadership

The following was an e-mail first sent to the Missions 06: Indonesia Team on 2 Jan 07 sharing reflections of the lessons learnt from the Mission Trip to Indonesia from 13 to 20 Dec 06.

Ramblings and Reflections on the Challenge of Leadership

Hi all,

I've had many thoughts and feelings on this mission trip; I'm still thinking and processing the many lessons learnt.

One of the struggles I had this year was that of a calling to "lead". I've always been a reluctant leader even when I'm placed in position of Leadership. I rather be in the background, to be one of the guys, to not rock the status quo.

So when I was placed in position of team leader this year, it was with much fear and trembling that I step up to the role. I had to struggle with why I was reluctant. It was not so much that I was unable or unwilling, but it was that I was afraid. Afraid of failure; afraid of how it would change me; afraid of the criticisms and conflict that would naturally arise.

I was contented to watch from the sidelines; when you never really try, you would never really fail. I was afraid that when I really tried I would face failure.

I was contented to do my own thing; lead my own life. When you are called to leadership, you are called to commitment, you have to think beyond yourself to the greater good, you are called to change and grow as the role and responsibilities demanded. I was afraid of changing and of the pride that comes with power.

I was contented with just getting along with everybody and with not evoking emotions. When you are called to leadership you have to push boundaries; you do not just do things to make people happy, you need to do the right things, the things you think God would want. You have to influence people to change and grow, to stretch and go beyond their individual comfort zones. In the process, there will be some individuals that will resist and be unhappy; there will be some that will oppose and criticize. I was afraid of the unhappiness of people and the criticism that will inevitably come.

I am still learning and processing the thoughts and feelings from the mission trip. I write not because I have the answers; I write because in the process of writing, I think, I articulate my thoughts and feelings, and I pray God speaks to me through them. I'm still learning what it means to lead – that in my fears, weakness and failure comes grace to lead; that in my struggle with change comes the grace to grow and lead with humility; that in the midst of unhappiness and criticism comes the grace-gifts of peace and the strength of conviction as I seek to do the right thing for Jesus. After all, I'm not prefect, I'm still walking and growing on the way of Christ; and I thank God for his grace.

Hmmm... folks I think that's all. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

And yes...

May you come to understand fully the grace of God through faith in Christ Jesus; may you experience grace more and more this year.

God bless and have a blessed New Year,

Ollie

January 2007

P.S. I'm sitting at a Starbucks in Suntec as I write this. I'm enjoying a flavourful nutty Christmas blend. :)

Humble and hearty lovers

My grievance with contemporary society is with its decrepitude. There are few towering pleasures to allure me, almost no beauty to bewitch me, nothing erotic to arouse me, no intellectual circles or positions to challenge or provoke me, no burgeoning philosophies or theologies and no new art to catch my attention or engage my mind, no arousing political, social or religious movements to stimulate or excite me. There are no free men to lead me. No saints to inspire me. No sinners sinful enough to either impress me or share my plight. No one human enough to validate the ‘going’ lifestyle. It is hard to linger in that dull world without being dulled.

I stake the future on the few humble and hearty lovers who seek God passionately in the marvelous, messy world of redeemed and related realities that lie in front of our noses.

William McNamara quoted by Eugene H Peterson in “Run with the Horses”

Of missing wisdom tooth and dental floss

My jaw hurts.

I finally had the last of my wisdom tooth removed yesterday evening and it still hurts. It is not a sharp pain, but a throbbing, numbing dull pain. It’s like a thorn in the flesh, the kind that is not debilitating but still irritates loads.

It took two injections of local anesthesia and ten minutes of tugging and pulling to remove it. Ten long minutes…. Ten minutes of white knuckles gripping the armrest and averting my eyes before the tooth was extracted. Ten minutes of desperate thoughts and prayers. Of remembering the difficulties experienced in extraction of the previous three wisdom teeth. “Strong roots,” the dentist had said, “Your tooth is anchored firmly in your jaw.” He continued to tug away, from one angle to another. I could feel the tooth inched out excruciating bit by bit.

“Why did I agree to take out the tooth?” I thought, “After all there’s no cavity, it could wait.” It’s was on the dentist advice that I decided to take the last wisdom tooth out. With the lower wisdom tooth removed, my tooth had no use; and with the difficulty in cleaning the backmost tooth, it was slowly turning grimy and dirty. In time with gradual accumulation of bacteria, a cavity will form and infection will set in. Ignore it long enough and it will lead to a full-blown cavity and increased pain. The rot might even set into the surrounding molars. The choice was presented to me, either bear with the pain now and remove it or faced even worse pain and greater infection if I continued to ignore it. The decision was made and my jaw now hurts.

I thought this was much like the inner life. You can ignore some area of your inner life – making time and space for God, setting time aside for rest, or making priority for significant relationships, and life will appear fine for a while. Then the cracks accumulate, a rot will form and things fall apart. Better we bear the lesser pain of discomfort if we deal with it now, then wait till the deep-seated infection to set in. Better that we act with discipline now then continue to ignore it and face deeper hurts and pain later.

The dentist after ten minutes of tugging managed to remove my wisdom tooth. He gave me pain-killers and anti-biotics which I gratefully took. On leaving, he said, “remember maintain oral hygiene and diligently floss your teeth!”

Ollie

Jan 2007

Wide Awake and Not Alone

I like rain.

I like the melancholic grey skies, the half-light that causes shadow-play on the canvas of the landscape. I like the smells that precede a downpour; the mix of earthy scents with hints of moisture. I like the sudden pause, an expectant hush before the first drops of rain fall. I like the cool droplets of water on the skin; the refreshing feel as it evaporates. I like the timbre of water droplets falling on roof-tops and car-tops; the sounding of many little drums as it welcomes the rain. I like the promise that rain brings - the promise of refreshing and renewal.

Maybe this explains my sudden burst of blogging as the rains of the past few weeks in Singapore set me in a pensive, thinking and reflective mood, ideal for writing and journaling.

I like coffee.

I like the aroma of coffee beans being ground, promising the delights of drinking a well brewed cup. I like the colour of the brew; the deep black hinting at the complexity of each sip. I like the bouquet preceding the moment of drinking; that evokes the senses, a faint memory of the place of origin of coffee bean harvest. I enjoy the robust body and acidity on the tongue as the coffee swirls in the mouth. I enjoy the after taste of each mouthful; the hints of earth, chocolates, fruits and exotic spices that arises. I like the company of people who enjoys coffee, knowing our common need for a caffeine fix, the acknowledgement that we are not perfect. I like the company of imperfect saints.

Maybe that explains my predilections for gatherings with close friends around a cup of coffee at a coffee place. I like the conversations among imperfect followers of the way of Jesus who knows that they are sinners but for the grace of God.

I like rain; I like coffee. I thank God for common graces like these.

Ollie

Jan 2007

GBC Prayer Retreat - 6 Jan 2007

Jon Chee and myself stepped out of the car and walked towards the sea at East Coast Park. “It is a beautiful morning,” I said. Jon replied, “Yeah, it is. I also thought so as I woke up and saw the skies this morning.” It was a beautiful morning; a warm, blue respite from the many grey days of torrential rain we’ve been having in Singapore.

We walked over to the group of people mulling about a park shelter – faithful “pray-ers” from Grace Baptist Church. It was the first of the church’s quarterly prayer retreat at East Coast Park. I was delighted to see the 30 or so familiar faces, all gathering together to pray for the church early on this fine, balmy morning. I was even more delighted to see Jiam as she joined the group 15 minutes later with her parents; she was still rubbing the sleep from her eyes. I thought it was good of Jon and Jiam to join us in prayer; they definitely bought the average age of the people gathered this morning down substantially. And I was delighted to see that they have grown; to have committed to come early in the morning for prayer when sleeping in on a Saturday morning is a usual habit for the younger people in Singapore.

We sang hymns, and in between sips of coffee, I listened to Swee Hin sharing on 2 Chronicles 16:9. He asked for us to meditate on Luke 14:25-35. We then left the shelter for 40 minutes or so to walk among the coastal trees to find our own individual little space to pray, read the bible and talk to God.

“Salt is good, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?” I read Luke 14:34 (NRSV). I remembered that salt is commonly used as preservative in the days of the Jews as recorded in the bible. Salt also has value - it was also used in barter trade where it was traded for other goods like clothe, olive oil, other food products. However, we cannot eat salt alone, besides being unpalatable, it will cause hypertension and a host of other related disease. It has value when preserving foods – salted meat, salted fish or salted vegetables. “It has value only when it is used for others”, I mouthed to myself as I sat on the stone bench under the casuarina tree gazing at the azure sea. Is that what Jesus meant in these verses? When He asked his disciples to count the cost of being a disciple, was he also saying that as disciples when we unreservedly follow him; we are to also be used on the behalf of others? Am I a salty disciple?

We gathered back in four smaller groups to pray. After which as one group, we gathered under the shelter to sing hymns, share and pray.” “…… I pray that Grace Baptist Church will be a salty church,” Kim Meng said. My ears pricked up; and my soul resonated. “Salty disciple? Salty church? God, is this your challenge for me this new year in 2007? To be a salty follower on the way of Jesus? Is this your call for the church as well?” I wondered in between my sips of tea.

We ended in prayer and as I was walking back to my car with Jon, I prayed that I would be a salty disciple this year; and that Grace Baptist Church would be a salty church.

Ollie

Jan 2007

Of Incomplete Buildings

Of Incomplete Buildings[1]

“Hey! Look there Ollie; yet another incomplete building!” Xing Yi pointed out. It was incomplete to say the least. It was a hulking, derelict skeleton of a building with scrap and trash strewn over the yard. The walls looked faded and dirty with gaping holes where the windows should be. It looked deserted and sad; a stark contrast to the complete buildings on the left and right that teems with life.

The Youth and Young Adult Mission 06 team to Indonesia had just arrived in the crowded and bustling city of Jakarta. The humidity hit us like a wave from a tsunami. In between beads of perspiration in a mini-bus with an air-con blowing at full strength, we surveyed the city of 16 million souls as we made our way to the OMF guest house. Along the way, we noticed an incomplete bridge that ended abruptly next to the expressway we were traveling on. Wendy said that incomplete roads, bridges, buildings and structures were common in Indonesia. A project is planned, starts and midway through, the funds strangely are insufficient to complete it.

A similar scene was repeated later in the evening as we left the serene refuge of the OMF Guest House to walk our way to the shopping mall to purchase snacks and sweets for gift-packs and for our first dinner in Jakarta. Even along a busy thoroughfare, there were incomplete decrepit buildings and structures that stand mutely as the people passed them by. Xing Yi and myself looked at each building and wondered what were they originally meant for. What were their purposes? Perhaps a commercial building for thriving businesses? Or a residential complex providing homes for the people? Or a school serving to educate and inspire? We did not know. The buildings were incomplete; their purpose forgotten.

Back in the OMF Guesthouse I reflected on the life of Faith we are called to in Christ Jesus. How we too like the buildings, could easily have our purpose forgotten and our calling incomplete. We could start off with well-thought out and well-intentioned plans and find that in the process of living the life of Faith that we get side-tracked, our priorities shift and what we were meant to do lies incomplete. How then can avoid the fate of the incomplete decrepit buildings, mute and silent, purpose forgotten?

I recalled then that we have an example - Jesus. Jesus “pioneered” the path of faith Christians should follow. He also “perfected” the way of faith since He reached its end successfully.^[2]

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV)

Like the plans for the buildings, we too have a blue-print in Jesus; and it is not hidden. The word “marked” in Hebrews 12:1 originally means “to lie or be placed before (a person or a thing) or in front of.^[3]” We have an example right in front of us. Christ is both the exemplar and the enabler. We not only have a blue-print by his example; Christ will enable the completion of our lives of Faith. We will accomplish our purpose, achieving what we were meant to do.

And how are we to do so? We are to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” and run with perseverance the race – the life of Faith before us. This is reiterated in Hebrews 12:2; the word “fix” originally means “to turn the eyes away from other things and fix them on something^[4].” Not only does it mean that we are to keep our eyes on Jesus, we are to actively turn our eyes from other things – our self-centred ambitions, our self-fulfilling material wants, our self-seeking relationships. We need to re-examine our priorities and re-fix our attention on Jesus. We would then be able to complete our lives of faith; our purposes fulfilled. And like the completed buildings fulfilling their purposes and teeming with life.

Ollie

Jan 2007

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[1] This article was inspired by the Grace Baptist Church YYA Missions 06 trip to Indonesia from 13 to 20 Dec 2006.

^[2]Walvoord, J. F., Zuck, R. B., & Dallas Theological Seminary. 1983-c1985. The Bible knowledge commentary : An exposition of the scriptures. Victor Books: Wheaton, IL

^[3],4 Strong, J. 1996. The exhaustive concordance of the Bible : Showing every word of the test of the common English version of the canonical books, and every occurence of each word in regular order. (electronic ed.) . Woodside Bible Fellowship.: Ontario

Losing to Gain

The following article was first published in the Grace Baptist Church (Singapore) YYA Missions 06 Newsletter (Volume Two) on 3 Dec 06.



Losing to Gain

I remember it clearly. It was 1998. I stood before the church and gave my testimony before my baptism. I had quoted Matthew 16:25 - “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it[i].” and said that there are some paradoxes in the Christian Faith which I cannot understand. However, I said that I will take a step of Faith in obedience, and be baptized, though not fully comprehending the paradoxes in the bible.

It is almost nine years on and I’m still learning what Matthew 16:25 means. I have learnt that discipleship to the Master is costly: it means sacrificing[ii], not merely giving from your excess but sacrificing your wants – your ambition, your material comforts, your holidays, your energies and resources – wholly giving to Jesus. Please do not think that I am advocating asceticism, sacrifice without devotion to God is mere going through the motion – a form of legalism. Sacrifice should be an expression of love and obedience[iii].

I remember it clearly again. It was just last year, in 2005, during our preparation for the Youth and Young Adults (YYA) Mission experience and experience trip to Thailand. We had asked the younger ones why they had wanted to attend the mission trip. Deborah Yap replied that usually in December before Christmas, she would usually be going out with friends, attending parties and shopping. She said she was convinced God had called her then to the mission trip. It meant sacrificing her usual activities before Christmas and going in obedience and love. She had wanted to see how God was working in expanding the reach of His Kingdom. I believe she was richly blessed by the trip.

This year, the YYA Mission Team will be headed to Jakarta, Indonesia in partnership with Desmond and Wendy from 13 to 20 December. The team comprises five new members and six returning members. We will be involved in ministry to the chapel and student fellowship as well as outreach to orphanages for the local street kids. The theme verse is aptly from Isaiah 58:10[iv] - we will be giving of ourselves to the down-and-out, as a demonstration of love and obedience to God and compassion for man. Though the members of the team may or may not be blessed in this life-time, I am sure the team shall be hearing the heavenly “Ka-Chink” – the storing of treasures in heaven.

Ollie

Nov 2006

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[i] All quotations are from the New American Standard Bible unless otherwise stated.

[ii] “Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” - Matthew 16:24. In contemporary times, taking up your cross is often meant as carrying your burdens and making some sacrifices. However, in Jesus’ time, the cross was an implement of death. When Jesus meant “take up his cross and follow him”, He literally means to die - to wholly give yourself to him and share in his shame and death.

[iii] Luke 21:1-4. The widow’s gift consisted of 2 copper coins – a small sum but all she had. It was an act of love in obedience to God’s law of tithing and sacrifices.

[iv] "If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight." Isaiah 58:10 -from the Message Bible.