Shirt collar buttons; that ill-fitted feeling and other ramblings

I had to wear a tie today.

I wore a tie as I was supposed to co-chair the second service in church today with Hee Kiat. So it was one of those rare few occasions I wore a tie and tried to look presentable. Most time I’m content to look grungy, thinking that it’s the heart that matters, not looks. I wore a tie, long sleeve shirt and pants and received some compliments. Little did they know I had spent five to ten minutes struggling in the morning trying to button the top-most shirt collar button.

I suppose the collar was too small or rather my neck too thick for it to button properly. I had that ill-fitted feeling; the feeling that I’m one size too big for my clothes. Do you often have that feeling? The feeling of not fitting-in; of being left out; of being the at odds with the world? It leaves you with a sense of disappointment; of loneliness and self-pity. And just to fit in, you feel tempted to do anything to conform – to join your friends in drinking and smoking; to indulge in lewd conversations and to while away the time doing meaningless things. Even if we do not do things that are consciously wrong; we may still fall prey to conforming to the mundane and mediocre in order to fit in. Thinking that if we stifled the distinctiveness within, people will accept us. In the process, you lose your uniqueness. Sometimes even in a cultural christian environment you are also pressured to conform – to behave and conform to culturally accepted norms.

It is during my time of struggles that I remember the following:

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous. (Psalms 139:16 NLT)

God says I’m unique.

“As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5b NLT)

God says He will never leave me nor forsake me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT)

God says He has a unique plan for me and my future.

And we are not supposed to “fit in” in this world anyway. We are meant for something more.

Maybe I should just buy a shirt one size bigger. Then I need not ramble on about being ill-fitted.

Ollie

January 2007